Still Here

Since my last blog post (which nobody read), I reared 400 calves at SIT Telford's dairy farm, then in November I switched to their sheep farm where I had the best two months ever, living my dream as a shepherd - Swifty and Sketch were awesome little sheepdogs - until I was told unexpectedly that I wasn't needed anymore (after being left hanging for six weeks waiting for more work). A lot of things discussed early on never eventuated. It was incredibly disappointing. I had picked up two other casual farming jobs in the meantime but last week both of them also told me they had no further work for me. So, I am currently unemployed again. I am getting pretty sick of this.

 

On the advice of my boss at Telford, and since I no longer own any cattle, last month I brought 6 ewes to train my dogs on - something I would not have bothered with had I known the job would be ending so soon. So now I have my own sheep. At least it gives my dogs something to do while there's no work otherwise. I've applied for 10+ jobs in dairy or shepherding in the past month but no luck so far. 

On the dog sports front, things are much the same. I changed agility clubs at the end of last year after a long string of negative experiences, and things are much nicer where I am now. I have cut a few people off and made an effort to surround myself with the right kind of people, and agility weekends are so much nicer now.

• Swifty is still doing great in her agility, though the weaves continue to be her nemesis, so we are still chasing those 2 wins for Senior. She is showing a lot of progress in her reactivity, thanks to the advice of some lovely people. She has started to make friends with other dogs again, of both genders so I am very happy with her. I'll never know for sure what caused her to suddenly switch like she did but I'm happy we seem to be having a breakthrough. We also had a fantastic winter in bikejoring, she loves it so much and we managed a couple of 4th places. She even was able to race in 2-dog scooter with a friend's dog, he was a lovely boy and she had no issues with him. Unfortunately steering two dogs on a scooter in icy conditions was a steep learning curve and I crashed about 1 minute from the start line. 😂

• Skuggi, well he is still Skuggi. He had a cancer scare in the winter but it turned out benign. He's very happy and loud as per usual. He is close to retiring from sports, but he managed a perfect clean run in Jumpers A last month for a 6th place, his first run of the year. He may have a go at hoopers later in the year. 

• Sketch is now 13 months old and a super cool boy. He's turned into a really leggy, athletic young dog outgrowing both my other dogs. He also had two health scares since my last post but he's fine now thankfully. He loves doing agility and he has now done 3 short bikejor runs with Swifty and showing a lot of potential there too. He is a little crazy but so smart and fast. I still can't believe that after 20 years of dreaming I finally got my border collie! He is everything I wanted.

Swifty

Two years since I brought Swifty home. ♡ From the moment my boss brought her to the farm as a tiny puppy, I had my eye on her. She just had that something special that drew me to her. She was confident, fast, surprisingly agile for a puppy - at about four months old she climbed out the half-open window of the work ute to join me and the huntaways moving cattle. I joked about stealing her to train for agility. 

When Swifty was about eleven months old, my boss had decided she was too "annoying," "destructive," and consistently "stirring up" the other older working dogs. Luckily for Swifty, the boss recognized this behavior as that of a bored, unfulfilled young working dog, and gave me the first choice to take her, or she would go to another farmer. There was no choice at all; it seemed Swifty was destined to be mine.

We had to start at the absolute basics. Swifty didn't know anything beyond sit and recall. She had to learn how to take food from my hand and play with toys. I picked her up on Friday morning, and Saturday afternoon she was meeting all my friends at agility club and being everyone's new bestie. Three days later we had a three hour round trip to collect a new trailer. She took everything in her stride. It was clear she had found her forever home. ♡ 

Fast forward two years. Swifty is now competing in Jumpers A and Novice/Intermediate with two wins to go to Senior. She started bikejoring this year and absolutely loves racing. She is so sweet and affectionate with people, making friends everywhere she goes. She absolutely loves a cuddle ♡ She has been my righthand girl for the last two seasons of calf rearing, the most incredible natural herder who knows exactly the level of push required for any job - from the tiniest calves needing to be guided back to their pen, to a pair of angry bulls having a standoff.

My beautiful, quirky, sometimes feral creature. My baby dog. If ever I believed in fate, it would be getting to take her home as mine after nine months of dreaming. 

Hence her registered name: Swift Hand Of Fate.

Life Updates #2

 Time for some life updates. Buckle in, it's not an easy read.

One year ago, I was fighting to keep Zuko, Annie, and her baby Oakley, trying desperately to find a place to live we could all be together after our landlord dropped the bombshell on us that we were not allowed to keep them on the property anymore. Two weeks later I would give in to the reality that Oakley was slowly killing his mother, with not enough feed in our single leased paddock for her to sustain herself and her baby, and no way to separate them for weaning, and I was forced to sell him for the cost of another week of hay for Annie and Zuko. The following morning, I would have Sparkie put down, at 15 years old, her quality of life fading so fast as her mind deteriorated. 

We would move to a new farm just four weeks later. Eight months later, someone attempted to steal Zuko and Annie in the night, resulting in Zuko being hit by a car. He was put down on the roadside. It has been just over two months since that day I got the text of my nightmares, that he was gone, and I've still not decided what choice to make about Annie. She deserves a companion; cows aren't designed for a solitary life. But after dedicating nearly ten years of my life to training a bovine for riding, just to continually have to say goodbye to them way before I was ready, I don't think I can make myself get another calf to start over. 

Shortly after losing Zuko, I quit my job. Again. There were a few reasons and it had been building up for a long time but now battling depression, I just couldn't face the prospect another calving season here under the same conditions I'd fought through last season. 

I had been on a waitlist for a koolie puppy in 2023, I waited for nearly a year, but a few weeks before they were born my living situation changed. I had to move back in with my parents where the rules on dogs were too strict to allow a new puppy. Fast forward to November last year, I put myself on a waitlist for a border collie puppy. But a few days before it was meant to be due, I was told the pregnancy hadn't taken. Three days and one impulsive, borderline depressed decision later, I brought home a nine week old border collie puppy from a local guy. Three months later it seems I made a good choice because Sketch has been the best thing to come out of recent events.

On the agility front, Swifty has won up to Intermediate and Jumpers A already, she is incredible. We also had our debut in bikejor racing last weekend which, while we were nowhere near winning anything, she put in a good effort and seemed to really enjoy herself so we will be doing more of that this winter. Skuggi is winding down his agility career, at 9.5 years old, he's still in great condition but it's time to ease back. He has been enjoying joining Swifty's bikejor trainings on the shorter runs.

And it seems I have a new job as a calf rearer, starting in August as per usual. Swifty will be returning to farm work with me, of course, and little Sketch will join us as much as possible. 

So that is my life at the moment and what's been going on. I don't know how many people even know this blog exists anymore but mostly, I just wanted to get my thoughts written out for the catharsis. It has been so hard. Constantly missing my friends in Canterbury since now I live 4+ hours away. It really feels so isolated down here. But with rental houses so expensive now, I am just stuck with going wherever my parents go.

Life updates

Hi, yes, it's been forever since I posted anything on here. Life got busy and it didn't seem like many people read blogs anymore, so it didn't feel worth the effort putting time into it when I had plenty else to do. 

But anyway, some life updates since my last post nearly 2.5 years ago. I've been working at the same farm since then raising calves and relief milking. I got two new calves, Zuko and Annie; Zuko is now broke to ride while Annie is due to have a baby of her own in about six weeks or so. I moved out of my parents' place early this year - a tiny place which I love but I plan to be moving on from soon, just hoping I can find somewhere with a little bit more backyard space. I got another dog in the winter, a heading dog named Swifty who has just turned 16 months. And Skuggi has just won into Jumpers A! Our first time competing in A is coming up next month. Sparkie is 15 years old now, pretty much deaf and half blind but still going, such a tough cookie. She just had a UTI recently which is the first illness she's had since 2016. Happy she's finished her course of antibiotics as of this morning because she's such a pain to make swallow pills! 

2023 has been a good and bad year as all of them are. One of my uncles passed away on New Year's Day and my mum flew back to Australia for two weeks or so to support the family. We lost some pets and we got some other pets. Did a lot of road trips - including up to Wellington in April with my dad, where he caught covid for the first time and brought it home to the family. Within three days all nine of us were crook! Thankfully it didn't hit any of us really hard though and we bounced back pretty quick.

If people are interested to start reading my blog again, I'll endeavour to post more frequently!

Good Days

Well, summer is long gone now. After a long dry spell, the last three days of May brought us more than 200mm of rain, making up for the lack of decent rain since February. The usually softly flowing stream became a roaring muddy river, our dam overflowed and created a new creek in the gully behind our chook house, and the low-lying paddocks and our driveway had surface flooding. Thankfully our house is up on a hill, and we stayed warm and dry inside. Other areas weren't so fortunate. Several rivers burst their banks and washed out bridges, roads, and paddocks. For several days, there were no open roads out of Fairlie. And even after the flooding receded, we could only get as far as Timaru - all roads north to Christchurch were closed (except via the west coast which would have turned a 2.5-hour drive into an 11 hour one). Thankfully they were able to put a temporary fix on the Ashburton bridge to allow traffic to flow again, just in time for our trip to Christchurch for an agility competition.

It was an unexpectedly eventful trip, beginning our journey on Friday morning in heavy fog. Barely ten minutes down the road, I was pulled over by a police officer to be told that I was driving "too slowly" and "annoying the drivers behind me." It was a winding, hilly section of road, speed limited to 100, and I was driving 80-85 due to the poor visibility. And the drivers behind me were only him and one other guy. There were places for them to overtake me if they'd really wanted to. But this police officer told me I shouldn't drive too carefully like that, because other drivers might get antsy about it and "do stupid stuff." Okay, sure. Later in the day and closer to Christchurch, I was going along the highway doing 100kmh - the speed limit - and a car still overtook me dangerously, forcing the oncoming vehicle to take evasive action before they swerved back into the correct lane, very close to my car's nose. So, the moral of the story: people are always going to do stupid stuff no matter what speed I'm going and I should just focus on driving safely. 

Despite the drama, we arrived safe and sound in Christchurch, did two amazing days of agility, Skuggi running the best he has yet. Three clear rounds - 2nd, 5th, and 6th. We wasted a bit of time on the turns which cost us higher placings but he's doing so good.

It's always a blast doing agility and getting to spend a weekend away in the city, but it's nice to get back out to the quiet country. The view from here is simply the best.

With winter upon us, the chooks have given up laying eggs. Or so we thought until we found a nest of three eggs outside the coop. Well done, Chicken, for making so much noise that led us to your hiding spot. We now sneakily collect a couple of eggs from that nest in the evenings, after the chooks have gone to bed for the night.

Winter Is Coming

This month has brought us our first taste of a real winter, with several frosty nights of -6 degrees followed by single-digit temperatures during the day. We added extra bedding to the chook pen and they were fine with the cold, though by morning their water had an ice layer about 5mm thick. It has still been very dry weather, just cold, though that is potentially going to change over this weekend and through next week. I'm so grateful to have a warm, cozy house to spend the winter in this year. 

In other news, I got a job! I'll be calf rearing on a farm 15 minutes away, starting in August, on the same farm where my dad has just started working. It will be great to finally get back into things after two years of frustrating unemployment.

We had a lovely family road trip to Christchurch on the weekend, taking the scenic route up through Rakaia Gorge. Such a pretty place!

Tomorrow is our last night of dog school before the winter break, starting up again in the spring. I'll miss it but it's almost too cold to be out there now, so it makes sense why they don't keep going through the winter. A couple of weeks ago it had dropped to 1 degree by the time I got back into the car after class. Brrr. 

I'll leave you for now, with this video of our "team training" agility at our friend's property last week. Always a great time!

Twenty Four Months

On this morning two years ago, my mum walked into my bedroom and gave me the news that my dad had been fired from his job, and we had two weeks to find somewhere else to live.

We'd been working at How Now Dairy for nearly one year, and doing our absolute best. I gave everything to this place. Late nights, hard work, in some horrid weather, and in what was quite frankly an awful work environment at times. Though technically only my dad was employed there, we all pitched in on the farm - we were expected to, and the boss gave us our own responsibilities (unpaid, of course), so when my dad got fired, in effect we all were. And to make it all so much worse, the house we were living in was part of the job as well. So not only were we left jobless, but we were also homeless. Working there was a challenge for many reasons, and I'm not supposed to go into details about those reasons, but despite how hard it was, I'm still so gutted by how it ended. 

To be promised everything, and end up with nothing. We scrambled to find somewhere to go, but two weeks is hardly enough time to come to terms with bad news, let alone figure out what to do about it and make something happen. There was not enough time. My dad frantically applied for jobs and my mum was in contact with someone who had a rental house nearby but in the end, nobody would help us. And so after fourteen days, one year to the exact day that we drove up this driveway to begin the job, we drove out again, with nowhere to go but to camp on our empty property two hours away. All nine of us and five dogs and five rats and a cat and our three cattle, one of whom was heavily pregnant. 

It was not supposed to end up this way. Our cow's beautiful calf was stillborn about three weeks after we left How Now. We were living in tents all through the winter. We sat on that land for a full year, getting turned down for jobs and denied houses. What was the worst was getting led on - people pretending they wanted to help and then snatching it all away, acting like it was our own fault and we were "choosing" to be homeless. As if we had any say in what was done to us. 

And then, at the end of it, after a year, we gave up. We couldn't keep going like that, struggling day to day and begging for help that we now realized would never come. So we sold everything. Everything but our dogs and the cat, and moved back to New Zealand with the tiniest hope that we could find something better. Thirteen years in Australia and this is how it ended. Betrayed and abandoned and being forced to leave my whole life behind. It was heartbreaking. 

I think about what I had to leave behind almost every day. My pet steer Logan, who I rescued from a dairy farm as an unwanted five-day-old calf, and had hoped to spend so much more time with him. I taught him to accept a rider and I had so many plans of what we could do next. I'll do none of it now. There was my pet rat Pixie and her sisters, all playful and adorable, each with their own little quirks and habits. I had friends, I had a life, and it's all gone now. It took me 13 years to build all that for myself, only to have it taken away in an instant by people's selfishness. It will take a long, long time to build anything like it again, and it's hard to find the strength to even try, knowing how fragile it all is.

We came back here to find something better, and I suppose, in some ways, we have. We live in a house again. My dad got a job. With all community COVID eradicated over here, I can safely go to dog club and I can compete in agility. But in other ways, it still sucks. Our landlord won't let us have pet rats. I still haven't been able to get myself a job, and that means I can't afford to raise another calf. These were the things that were keeping me focused on the future as I said goodbye to everything I loved back there. 

I am grateful, but at the same time, I am grieving.

Windstorms, Agility, and the Beach

Just some rambling, because I wanted to post more this year but there's been nothing really interesting happening. April 25 marks two years since we got fired from How Now and so began the downward spiral. But anyway. That's a post for another day.

The weather was very dry last month, and the lawn-mowing I was doing for the landlord hasn't been necessary very often. We got 10mm total at the beginning of this month, but that wasn't enough to get the grass really growing again. The weather has been comfortable for the most part, with steady sunny days around 20 degrees, aside from the day and a half of 60-90kmh wind we had last week. Thankfully, while there were plenty of reports of damage in town, it did no real damage to our property, just some small branches fell on the driveway, our trampoline shifted a little bit, and our tomatoes and our cape gooseberry plants were knocked over. They seem to have survived though. There were also a lot of leaves to sweep up - a side-effect of a windstorm in the autumn.

We competed at our club's agility trial last month, and Skuggi won 4th place with his clear round in the Novice class, finally getting the hang of weaves and contacts so that was exciting. Now we have no more competitions planned until June, when my mum and I will hopefully be heading back up to Christchurch for a weekend. 

Dog agility school is still fun and we've been getting the hang of some new things. It's been just the right amount of challenging for us. And most importantly, Skuggi loves going there. He gets so excited. He's so eager to get out of the car and he practically drags me over to the field, tail wagging while he carries his toy, so keen to get started. It's such a far cry from how nervous he was the last time we attempted a dog school, back when he was about a year old, and he always only ever wanted to go back to the car.

We also went on a road trip to see the Moeraki boulders a few weeks ago. It's been about four years since we last stepped foot on a beach at all, and although it was rather gloomy by the time we arrived at the boulders, we all had a fun time. We even got to see a bunch of wild seals playing and sleeping on another section of the beach, where dogs were prohibited.

Changing Of The Seasons

Welcome to autumn. It's been six months today since we moved into this house. That time has gone by so fast.

The garden here is huge and tending to it is a constant job. It was an overgrown mess when we arrived. We've put in more flowers around the house and built a decent vegetable garden below the driveway.  But there are still parts we have hardly touched. We harvested our potatoes and ended up with a huge box full of them. We have delicious sugar snap peas, cape gooseberries, silverbeet, a tiny blueberry plant, cucumbers, strawberries, carrots, some grapes, and some wild blackberries taking over the abandoned pool surround. And probably more things I'm forgetting. Soon we'll be planting things for the winter. And we built an enclosed shed for our chooks in case the winter is as bad as predicted. 

We did go up to Christchurch last month as planned. It was the longest drive I've done (nearly three times as much driving as I've ever done in one day before and full of new experiences as I got closer to the city) but totally worth it because Skuggi managed to get two clear rounds, winning third place both times. For a dog who couldn't manage more than one clear round a year when we were in Australia, to get two in one weekend was really exciting. Especially since that now makes it three consecutive competitions he's gotten clear rounds at - all of his NZ championship trials. I'm already planning another road trip for another weekend of agility, which hopefully will happen. If people could just have a bit of common sense we wouldn't keep going into lockdowns.

We went to the dog training club in Timaru last week to practice agility and had a great time. When Skuggi was a baby, we were part of an obedience club in Australia just to help Skuggi's socialization and learning how to focus on me with other dogs around. It went well and we enjoyed it, up until we graduated up to the next class, which had a couple of aggressive dogs in it that were trying to fight each other every week. It became too stressful for Skuggi, so we didn't go back after the summer break. At the club last week there were only three other dogs in our class but already a little scuffle happened between two of them while we were having our turn on the equipment. But Skuggi handled it well, coming back to focus on me quickly and play with his toy without getting too worried. So anyway, all going well, we'll be going there most weeks to train. With so little room at home for equipment, we really need this opportunity!

Besides that, not much has been happening. I applied for a job and I didn't get it. We took care of our neighbours' pet calves for a while after they moved away, just until they were able to move the calves to their new place. Which has been done now. I miss them already. We also got to work with the landlord's young cattle a little bit last week too. It made me remember how much I enjoy working with cattle. And especially how much I miss my Logan. 

Weather And Other Things

January went by too quickly, and I did not achieve anything of note. Well, I managed to get a glowing reference for my work at How Now to send out with my resume, so that was good, and surprising. Not that I've found any jobs to apply for. (yet, I'm supposed to add.)

But anyway. The weather swung to both extremes last month, with the 19th only managing to reach 12 degrees, and we had the fire going again. On the 26th we finally had our first day over 30 degrees this summer, when it peaked at 34 and we went for a swim in the lake (where Skuggi, for the first time in his life, was brave enough to attempt some proper swimming. Attempt being the operative word there, it was the messiest swimming style I've ever seen from a dog with an appropriate leg to body ratio). We had some decent rain earlier in the month, and a few lighter sprinkles later, including some pea-sized hail and a thunderstorm. The total rainfall was 67mm.

We got the shed fully stacked once again with firewood for the winter. There's a prediction for it to be an extremely cold winter this year, with intense frosts and sea-level snow, so it's good to have that ready to go. It's already been a much cooler summer than what we're used to. But I love snow, and our house is warm, so I'm keen to get more than just a day and half of it. We have a few more projects that need to get done before the winter, especially if it's as bad as they say, but there's something very satisfying about preparing for a harsh winter. It's been a few years since we've had to do so. At How Now in Shepparton, the winter wasn't bad enough to warrant any preparation (instead there was preparing for the summer and weeks of 40 degrees or more). And then on our block of land, there was nothing we could do even though the winters did suck. But enough of that train of thought.

I've been doing some agility training with Skuggi, getting his fitness up to start competing again. Doing the best I can with limited equipment and space. Hopefully this month I can get to the agility classes once a week and make use of their stuff. But he's running pretty well, I think, so we'll see how he goes when we next compete. The plan is to go up to Christchurch to do so next week (but don't hold me to that, we all know how plans like to fall apart and I've already had to miss one planned trial last week), staying in a cozy cabin and running some lovely jumping courses with judges I like especially. Some judges just make courses better suited to Skuggi than others - more of the soft turns and tunnel sends to allow me to get ahead, less straight lines and awkward distances between jumps that make him struggle with keeping the bars up. We've only done a handful of trials here but I'm slowly getting a feel for which NZ judges are my favourites, though for the most part the courses here have been better than Aussie courses anyway - no offense meant to the Australians. And I still love the more relaxed rules about rewarding your dog after the run. I've mentioned that before.

Here's a couple of videos. One of the dogs training agility, and one of what else we got up to in January.

Click HERE if the agility training video isn't visible.

Click HERE if the "month in the life" video isn't visible.

Good At Surviving

Deleted the first half of this post that talked about the past and how crappy life has treated me, and all the things I loved and lost in 2020. 

Because I want to end this year with some good thoughts. 

Skuggi gained two clear rounds this year, in the two championship agility trials we got to, which doubled the number of clear round certificates he had from 2018 and 2019. Combined. So perhaps 2021 will be the year we finally get to move into the next class. It does feel like we're getting it together more often now. Our next competition is the last weekend of January and I can't wait to be back out in the ring.

We brought six chooks in mid-November, ex-egg farm hens, saved from certain death because apparently, the farmer kills his chooks after one season, replacing them with the next generation of chooks. But anyway, our chooks are doing well. We're getting 4 or 5 eggs a day, which is pretty good. The fact they aren't all laying consistently is the reason why they were going to be culled. That, and the way some of their eggs weren't quite perfect, because a lot of their calcium is going into feather growing because they were finishing up a spring molt. They are getting better though. And they are very friendly. We let them out in the morning to free-range for the day and then put them away at night around 8pm. Which is still broad daylight, by the way, but they're ready to go to bed and run eagerly back into the coop when we go up there. We're getting more than 15 hours of daylight at the moment. But, my dad has to be up at 3am, or near enough, for work most mornings, so there's no time to appreciate the longer days. It's more of an annoyance than anything, trying to go to sleep when it's still so bright outside.

The weather has been far cooler lately than what we're used to. It reaches 25 and the locals start complaining about how hot it is. But having experienced weeks of 35+ back in Australia, this has been a lovely cool summer so far. This time last year it was regularly reaching more than 40 degrees. And we were living in a bus in the middle of nowhere, jobless, homeless, flat broke and majorly depressed. I'm still depressed, but a little less often than before. I'm not homeless. And I'm not quite jobless anymore either or broke, because I'm mowing lawns for the landlady and I still have money left over from selling so much of my life back in Australia. I still really miss working with cows though. Getting back into dairying has proven to be far more difficult than I'd hoped, and I don't have any experience in any other field so I don't know what else to do. If only a certain person in the past hadn't turned out to be such a scumbag. (If you know, you know. Otherwise, just look through some of my older posts.)

I keep tentatively making plans for 2021. More agility. Road trips. Finally getting off my learner driving license. But perhaps I'll achieve nothing but just surviving to the end of another year. And that would have to be good enough.

Anyway, here's a video recap of the year. 

Click here if it's not showing below.

Where We Came From

So much has happened in the short space of time between selling our land and now. And suddenly we're back in New Zealand and it somehow feels both like not-quite-coming-home and completely foreign. I think too much about what I've lost.

But small things like turning on the tap and having instant hot water. Hot showers. Heating. Constant electricity. Mountain views. A flushing toilet. Carpet on the floor. I have been taking these things for granted again and forgetting where we came from.

No more late nights around the campfire, eking out the last bit of warmth from the smoldering embers before rushing through the nightly chores, hoping to get it all done and then into bed before you lose feeling in your fingers and toes. Hearing the wind roar in the trees and then moments later, the tent threatening to collapse under the strength of it. Rain coming down sideways, the wind pushing it through the tent seams. And after that, heat and dust and smoke and never being fully clean. Midnight and still 35*C, all the windows closed tight to keep out the smoke and the fans only blowing scorching air around. The niggling fear in the back of your mind because you know how fast fire moves and you would have to leave things behind. We prepared as much as we could but it would never have been enough. 

It sounds traumatic when I type it out, but it wasn't. The hardest part was the end of it. (And there I go again, back into those dark thoughts because I have lost so much and I can never get it back.)

We got a cozy house. My dad has a farm job. Things are... I won't say good. But, they aren't terrible. I should be grateful I still have some happiness left. Of better times, happy memories that I shouldn't allow to become tainted with grief. We had a good run back there. And now in the present day, Sparkie bouncing gleefully through the snow. She's never seen snow before and she loves it. I am surprised. And hares and lambs and beautiful birdsong, and we've landed in the one place in New Zealand that has a wallaby problem so it's a taste of the old days, although we have only seen one on the property so far.

We've been in this house for two weeks now. Unpacking my box and suitcase is a slow process. I have a handful of things out now - my dogs' trick title certificates, a drawing of Sparkie from a friend, my little Wolverine figurine. I don't know when I'll feel settled, when I'll feel safe. How many times now have I allowed myself to feel that way only to have it all taken off me again?

Writing continues to be an outlet, both here and in my fanfictions, a way to process my feelings and sort my thoughts into a coherent order. I'll never stop being open about my struggles. And I shouldn't feel like I have to. Depression is a real thing and a nasty thing, and something people shouldn't be ashamed of. Although, for the sake of my few loyal blog readers, I should make some attempt not to go too dark in my posts. (eg, my last post. oops)

Sad Reflections

Warning for dramatic emotional post ahead. I apologize in advance.

I never know what to write anymore. Case in point that for quite some time, I completely blanked on what to type after that sentence. Apparently, all I'm able to write now are complaints and sad reflections of better days. I won't blame you if you choose not to read my blog anymore.

When I started this blog, we were still travelling and performing at shows with the dogs. Adventures were plentiful, from vehicle breakdowns to encounters with drunks to the new things we trained the dogs. A new view every morning. I loved what I did and I put that into this blog. And even after that part of my life ended, and I traded in the performer life for a "real job," there was still plenty to blog about. Dairy farming provided plenty of inspiration to write, with stories of the silly things cattle get up to and the drama of bad weather. The satisfaction of saving a calf's life, because I knew what I was doing and I was good at it, was one of the best feelings of all.

But then I lost everything. The days became monotonous. I was angry, but more than that I was tired. I still looked at their Instagram account, because I missed my old life, and I hated how happy they seemed. While I was out there homeless and broke because of them, they had everything that I wanted so badly. "Don't be bitter," people said. But I am bitter, and I am angry, and I probably will be for a long time because they destroyed my life. They offered me everything that they knew I wanted and then they took it away. And it had no consequence for them. They knew when they did it that we couldn't fight it, that they were untouchable. They were too clever.  And so instead they got everything, and I have nothing. How do I move on from something like that? How do I let that go?

Because their betrayal started the chain reaction that led to us returning to New Zealand. I thought I'd lost everything when we left the farm, but of course, I still had more to lose. And life is determined to take it all. 

I never really talked about how hard it was to give up Logan. I tried not to think too much at the time. There were plenty of other things going on to distract me. Always keep moving. But now that life is quiet and boring again, I think of him almost every day and it still hurts. I worked so hard to get him trained to the level he was. He was going to be mine forever and I had so many big dreams for our future.

Being without an assistance dog is hard. I spent seven years with a dog at my side wherever I went. First with Sparkie, and then with Skuggi. They gave me freedom beyond what I'd thought possible. But now I almost wish I'd never trained Sparkie to be one all those years ago, because then I'd never know what real independence felt like, or the confidence I'm capable of feeling.

I miss my Australian friends. People are nice here, and I have a few kiwi Facebook "friends," but it's not the same. I don't really know anyone in this country. I miss my friends who've had my back for years, who I only got to see a few times because they lived so far away but we still talk regularly, the ones who I feel I can tell almost anything to and they will understand.

I know it will take time to build a life here, but it's like starting back at the beginning. I don't know if I have the strength to build it all again. I wasted so many years of my life putting things together, designing my happy ending only to have it all ripped away by one person's selfish act. He did this to me and I can't even talk about it openly because legally he did nothing wrong. And that is the worst part of all this - that he gets away with what he's done. Because apparently being a bad person has no consequences in this life and it gets you everything you want, but if you're a good one? Prepare to lose everything you love.

Heartless

 I just missed my window of opportunity to write another upbeat post. The job I mentioned in my last post didn't work out, but my dad was contacted by another one shortly afterward. And we got accepted. And as part of the job, we got a house as well. We spent 48 hours in comparative luxury, full of gratitude for how good our life had become. From our beautiful new house, we could see both the ocean and the snow-tipped mountains from opposite windows. The backyard was big enough to exercise the dogs and for the kids to play. It was five minutes from town, where besides every shop we could ever need, there was an agility club that not only did training but also held competitions three times a year. It couldn't be more perfect and I was happier than I had been for a long time. The future looked good. What a wonderful 48 hours it was. 

View to the west.

View to the east.

My lovely bedroom all set up on Saturday night.

But then yesterday morning, the boss/landlord turned up as we were returning from a walk down the road with our dogs. He seemed confused. He asked how many dogs we had. Even though that information was in my dad's cover letter and we had also told him at the interview, he claimed he "hadn't realized" how many we had. And he wasn't happy. We spoke at length with the boss about it, trying to compromise, but he could not be swayed.

And so our happy little life has imploded around us once again. We can stay here for the week, but after that, we have to leave. And go where? There's nothing. I'm devastated. I am so tired of everything going wrong. What is the point? Why does this keep happening? I gave up almost everything to come back to New Zealand and for a brief moment, I thought it may have been worth it. But now I wish I was still living in the bus on our empty property where at least we didn't have to worry about being kicked out and I had Logan and Pixie and my small group of friends.

Freedom

So after a whirlwind eight weeks to pack up thirteen years of life, and two weeks holding our breaths in mandatory isolation enduring regular temperature checks and two COVID-19 tests, we finally stepped outside into our New Zealand freedom around 6:30pm on July 23. 

Isolation went really fast though. Going into it, I was dreading two weeks with such strict rules and being without any pets (for the first time in twelve years). But with plenty of outside time in a fenced car-park (between 9am and 4pm), decent food, unlimited internet, and kindness from everyone on the staff and security teams, it was actually not that bad. Our room was comfortable and clean and we could step outside into our own private "smoker's area" whenever we liked, which was a lovely little foresty garden with a flowing stream. The only rules were you had to wear a mask at all times when outside your room (that did not include the smoker's area), keep 2 metres away from anyone outside your "bubble," and not linger in the hallways. The NZ government has done a great job setting this whole thing up.

This was the private smoker's area outside our windows and sliding door.

The exercise area. This was taken on a chilly, overcast day which meant there were very few other isolators out here.

We had a van and a caravan to pick up once we were free. And we had almost secured a dairy farm job with a house before leaving iso too, but the day before we were released, we got some bad news. We were told it would take about two weeks to find out if we could have the job or not, but in the meantime, we collected our pets and booked into a caravan park, and continued to apply for other jobs in case the original one doesn't work out. I have my fingers crossed I will have some very good news for you in my next post, but I don't want to speak too soon, after so many plans falling through.

The pets have settled in straight away. They have obviously been taken good care of in the boarding kennels, although understandably the dogs were all a bit hyper after the two flights to get to Christchurch. Our caravan park is within walking distance to a large reserve beside a lake, where dogs are allowed off the lead, so we go up there every morning to let the dogs run. On a clear day, it also has a stunning view of the snow-covered mountains. So appreciate these photos I took of the pack enjoying a run there last week.

I got invited to run "not-for-competition" at a local trial last Saturday, while I'm still waiting for our DogsNZ registration papers to arrive. It was so much fun to be back at a trial and Skuggi was so excited as well! There are quite a few differences to Australian trials, most notably how everyone was free to reward their dog with toys or food at the finish line. Back in Australia, the rules are so strict about not playing with them in the ring that if you engage in tug too enthusiastically with your dog's lead at the end before leaving the ring, you can get disqualified. It was always a bit stressful because Skuggi loves to tug! I also had a try at "Tunnellers" with Freya, which was a super fun course made totally of (you guessed it) tunnels. Jessica also had a go at Tunnellers with Tess, and Chana ran two regular classes with Lassie. A great time was had by all!

Goodbyes

On June 11, I led Logan into a stock trailer, along with his friend Spartan, and said goodbye to them forever. The following morning I received the news that they arrived safely in their new home, in beautiful Gippsland, where they will live out the rest of their days along with Goldie, who had been taken there the day before. 

Pixie and her friends were also delivered to their new home this week, where they are being very much loved by a small family. The new owners have been sending us photos and our rats look very happy, so that's nice.

Sneaky Pixie, probably thinking of sneaky Pixie things.

*****

So with all that heartbreak behind us and only 19 days until our flight, I guess it's time to start looking forward. The remaining pets (our five dogs, and the cat Harley) are being picked up on July 8 to go into kennels for 14 days, while we are in the isolation hotel in Auckland. When our isolation ends, they will be flown over to NZ to join us. What a happy day that will be, being let out of the hotel, free again, and getting to reunite with my dogs!

There's still a lot to organize, lots to pack and sort. Most of my stuff is selling fast though so that's good. I may or may not get another blogpost up before we go. And that's a weird thought, that this could easily be my last post written from Australia.