Highlights

I don't know how many people still follow this blog. It hasn't been very interesting lately, I know.

But we made it. We made it off the farm and to our new property. It was exhausting and stressful and several 1am bedtimes and then getting up at 7-8am to get it all done, but we did it. Setup at our new property is an ongoing project. 

Skuggi competed in his first agility trial on April 8 and although we didn't win anything, we had a heap of fun. I can't wait for the next trial!

While we were at the trial, we also got to meet Chelsea Marriner in person. Long-time blog followers may remember her as the inspiration for The Superdogs and my interest in dog agility. Well she was over here with one of her dogs to compete in the Australian Agility Nationals the following weekend, and I was lucky enough to get to say hi briefly and watch them run some courses. 

World Keeps Turning

March is hard at the best of times. Best of times being probably 2013 where things were running smoothly. We competed at a show with our dogs, finally sold our bus that had been on the market for years, brought Freya into our family, and everything was just so easy.

This month I came into the worst days running on barely any sleep. I spent three days in Sydney (which was fantastic but exhausting), we're just a few weeks out from leaving this farm, I've had Skuggi's agility plans completely stuffed up and now I'm not able to compete on the day I'd been planning for for three months, and to top it off, the boss has just said that we're not getting any more days off from now until the 30th but we also have to be out of this house by the 1st because the new worker is going to move in then. It's just one thing after another and I'd just really like some things to start going right this year.

On the bright side, Skuggi's agility training is going great, Sparkie totally rocked everything we threw at her during our Sydney trip (including her first two flights and two days crammed into a building with 4,500 people), and it seems like summer may be letting go quickly this year. With only four days this month so far reaching 30*C or above, and nine days under 25 (fyi the 15th day in the month, if you're adding them up, was 28), it's shaping up to be an early start to the cooler weather, which is perfect for dog training and working outdoors. I also took Skuggi to watch an agility trial recently to see how he handled the environment and work through any issues without the stress or time constraints of being there to compete, and he was absolutely amazing. The trial was held at the dog school grounds, and he seems to recognize it every time we pull into the carpark and he gets so happy and wriggly and whiny even when the grounds are empty. I watched some of the dogs running, and it was so fun and exciting and thinking about how one day that will be me and Skuggi out there was so inspiring and motivating. Skuggi got to walk around near the other dogs and the rings where they were running, and play with his toy and do some basic obedience, and he made friends with a fellow koolie owner as well. Super proud of him!

Last Day Of Summer

Change is approaching fast, but the details are still to be finalized. Our job here will end in just five weeks and we have nothing lined up for after. There's our twenty acres of bare land three hours away, but aside from that? The days are flying by so fast and I feel like I'm getting nothing done.

It's the end of February. Summer has been warm and dry, with just 30mm of rain so far this year. Our calves have eaten the grass in their paddock down to the dirt. The boss is overcharging us for the hay because he knows we need it. 

On Wednesday evening Mummy ran off the road driving home from town. Just ten minutes from home. When we got to the scene the car was partially through a fence with a post jammed underneath it, having gone over the wrong lane, down into the ditch, and hit a powerpole on the way. The car is a write off. Mummy was able to walk away with only minor injuries. We got so, so lucky with this. Just an inch less or a second more and I'd be telling a very different story today.

On a more positive note, Skuggi's agility training is going well. I finally sent in his registration this week, so hopefully next month we'll be able to compete! His assistance dog training is going great too and he had his first outing to a big city (Geelong) this month. Mummy and me and Sparkie are also flying to Sydney next week for a Doterra convention. 

You Won't See Me Fall Apart

I watched the sun go down on the last day of 2017 just minutes after watching a cow die a slow, agonizing death as she choked on her own blood and saliva, after spending four exhausting days helping her stand up every few hours and trying to keep her hydrated and fed, and if that doesn't perfectly sum up the year I don't know what does.

The sun goes down over the turnip crop, New Year's Eve 2017.

The sun goes down on cows still waiting for their silage dinner, after the feed wagon broke down, New Year's Day 2018.

This first month of 2018 has been full of struggle. Broken down machinery. Another cow fell down in the paddock and hurt her leg so bad she had to be shot. Another cow having her last days of retirement as she slowly loses all her weight and her eyes go dull - we told the boss it would be better to shoot her but he's convinced she'll hold on long enough to be sent to the meat-works. She's suffering and it breaks my heart, she deserves better than this. They all do. 

"Old Jersey" on the left, our old retired cow, with one of her paddock mates "Nailly," who has a permanent limp from an infected foot.

Feeding silage to next season's heifers.

Today, my dad texted the boss to tell him we're quitting. He'll hand in his resignation letter next time the boss is on the property.

I don't understand why everything is always so hard. I love these cows. I don't want to leave them, not in the care of their heartless owners. I don't want to witness the cruelty but I don't want to walk away. I see the way they look at me when we come back to work after a weekend off. Their eyes ask why and I wish we never had to take any days off ever again because every time we do, they are hurt or sick or underfed and on Monday, they are afraid to go into the yard for milking. They won't understand when I walk out and never come back. I don't want to think about what will happen when we're gone.

Bringing in our "limpys" this morning - Grams, Candy, and Nailly. All have long-term/permanent injuries and require a lot of time in a close paddock where they can focus on eating and resting, without having to walk long distances to/from the milking shed.

"And I want it and I wanted it bad,

But there were so many red flags.

Now another one bites the dust.

Yeah, let's be clear, I trust no one.

You did not break me.

I'm still fighting for peace."

2017 || A Year In Review - video

Good bye 2017. You brought further struggles and sad times and general crappiness. Let's see if 2018 can outdo you, as every year seems to bring a new level of difficulty.

And We All Fall Down

**written 18/11**

My diary doesn't go back any further than five years. After 2011, I had to start a new one or risk being triggered every time I opened it. But looking at my memories on this day over the past five years, things haven't improved much at all.

Five years ago, we had finally got out of a very triggering area after spending several weeks there due to a lack of money. My dad applied for a job without discussing it with us first. It ended up not working out.

Four years ago, a friend told me I couldn't bring Sparkie to their house (she had just started her assistance dog training) because the landlord wouldn't allow it. After all those times turning down the requests to visit, because of anxiety, in the end the one thing that made it possible for me to do it was also the thing that made it impossible. I was never invited again. And on this day exactly, we tried to help someone save their dogs and were told to stop, that it didn't matter, and that they had "made peace with" the subsequent death of their two young puppies, that could have been prevented if they had just accepted our help. We were also searching for a job and two potential places had just fallen through.

Three years ago, we were waiting for things to sort out between our new boss and his previous workers. The police got involved, while we stayed at a camp in the bus half an hour away. It was a crazy stressful time.

Two years ago, we had tickets to another country, that we canceled a few days later. I was still reeling from walking a five day old Jersey bull calf out to the calf truck over a month before. I don't know where he ended up. Honestly, nowhere good. I begged and bargained for his life for those five days but nobody would listen. And he trusted me and I felt like I betrayed him.

A year ago, I was struggling with a boss who overworked and underpaid me, treated us all like incompetent children, on a property where anyone was allowed to come and go as they pleased without letting us know what was going on. Vehicles would come in at all hours, we'd have cattle on our lawn, he'd put cows and newborn calves in with our calves without asking (making feeding our calves dangerous because the mothers could be protective of their babies), several times he shifted our calves into a different paddock without permission.

Today, I am exhausted in all the ways. Tired of fighting, tired of being depressed, tired from being depressed, tired of getting my hopes up only for everything to fall through. We're trying. But nothing is working out. I just want all this to be over.

Raw Truth

I am done with hiding and down-playing things and posting half-truths. This is honesty. This is reality. Just when I think things are good, something happens and I start thinking, again, that maybe things never will be good. 

How is it that out of all the potential dairy farms we could work on, we keep ending up with one where the boss either:
A. neglects/abuses their animals,
B. constantly is rude and demeaning towards us,
and/or C. massively overworks/underpays us past what is legal?

I'm trying, I really am, to keep the thoughts in mind that dairy farming isn't a cruel industry. But it's hard. I'm standing in a world where cruelty runs rampant, neglect is common-place, and most attempts to prevent any of it is brushed off. "Nah it's fine, we always do this and there's never been a problem before." It'll be fine. She'll be fine. Don't worry about it. Where is the kindness? The compassion? Is there even any shred of decency in these people?

It's not about "animal rights" or being an animal activist or whatever negative terminology you try to slap on this to make me out as being unreasonable. This is about what is right and wrong, the line between humane and inhumane, our duty to the animals in our care to actually care for them.

I am angry but more than that I am tired. I'm having more and more often the thoughts that I want to just leave here and give up this whole stupid idea that maybe dairy farming can be good and kind and that farmers actually care about their cows. Because I've seen time and time again that so many of them don't, and somehow we keep getting stuck with those people. What is the point? It's hard. Seeing suffering and being unable to help because people do not listen and they do not care.

It's a sad day when you realize that you love cows too much to be a dairy farmer.

I'm sorry, cows. I'm sorry that people don't see you as living, feeling creatures. I'm sorry people don't see your worth as anything beyond how much milk you produce. You deserve better. And I'm sorry I can't give you better.