Hindsight Is 2020

"Hindsight Is 2020" was always going to be the name of this blogpost. The last post I would make before the far off year of 2020, recapping my adventures of the past years and the choices I've made to end up here. And "here" was going to be a wonderful place. I dreamed of all the things I would have achieved by 2020. Because I would be 23 by then so I'd have my life sorted out. I'd have a successful career, for one thing. I'd probably be living on my own. And of course, I would have my own vehicle - that's the only thing I have ticked off from that list.

But I want to go back over some old memories before I talk too much about the present time, remember some high points over the last ten years.

2010. Sparkie winning Grand Champion at the Novelty Dogs competition at the Gympie Show. The Gympie Show was such a big part of my life for so many years. We competed every year, from 2009 to 2014.

2011. It's hard to think only of the high points for this year. But we did have some. I started "The Superdogs" and we did our first performances at events in May and September.

2012. To my surprise, this year is actually the hardest to think of high points from. We really didn't do much, still reeling from the previous year I guess. I used to think that the best part of this year was breeding one of our dogs, but I've hugely regretted it ever since and I can no longer look back on it with any positive feelings.

2013. This was the year the Superdogs really got going. We performed in QLD, NSW, VIC, and NT. I got newspaper and radio interviews, and I loved every second of our time in the spotlight. Sparkie also started her assistance dog training this year.

2014. Sparkie passed her Public Access Test, making her a certified assistance dog.

2015. We went to our first Supernatural convention and met Jensen Ackles. I worked on a dairy farm and learned heaps about cows. This was the year I discovered that riding cattle was a thing.

2016. Skuggi came into my life. My friends invited me to hang with them a lot, including going to the Melbourne Dog Lover's Show. Sparkie also passed her second Public Access Test. And I brought Logan this year as well.

2017. We went to another Supernatural convention and Louden Swain concert, met Jared Padalecki for the first time, and Jensen Ackles again. I got to go to an aquarium in Melbourne with Sparkie.

2018. Sparkie went on her first airplane flight, to Sydney, where we went to a huge Doterra convention. We also did another Supernatural convention, this time meeting Misha Collins. I started breaking Logan in to ride. Skuggi started competing in agility.

2019. As Sparkie officially retired from her role as my assistance dog this year, it was Skuggi who got to come with me to Melbourne for a Doterra convention this time. We went to an agility workshop where we got to train under the winner of the 2018 World Agility Championship. Skuggi also won his jumping class at the State Agility Trial.

As 2020 got closer, my plans changed from travelling as The Superdogs to running an ethical dairy farm. For some time, I really thought How Now Dairy was my way in. They even suggested that I could take over How Now in the future if I wanted to. And I really wanted that. I allowed myself to get excited about my future again. But then very suddenly, we were fired and kicked out. I felt betrayed. And I can't imagine my future anymore. It feels a whole lot like I don't have one.

It seems like every year attempts to do worse things to me than the year before. And 2019 has had a good go at it. Starting out with having to get one of our kittens euthanized, then being forced to cancel so many of Skuggi's agility trials because our boss couldn't handle us leaving the property for a day (even on our days off), losing our house and job, Goldie losing her baby, and then being homeless with no job for the rest of the year. That's nearly eight months of homelessness and we have tried so hard to fix this. But nobody will give us a chance. I tried to get a job for myself. But there's nothing in this area that I could do. And I really mean nothing. Even a job selling and sorting clothes at the local Salvation Army store required previous experience in customer service or sales. All those years working with cattle and prior to that running the Superdogs is meaningless out here.

I planned for the past almost two years to go to the agility nationals in May 2020. It's in Western Australia. But unless something drastically changes before entries close in three months, I won't be able to afford the trip.

It's almost 2020, and I feel stuck. Time is going by without me. This year has taken the remainder of my plans and crushed them into the dust. How do you move forward from that, when there's nothing to move to?