Sad Reflections

Warning for dramatic emotional post ahead. I apologize in advance.

I never know what to write anymore. Case in point that for quite some time, I completely blanked on what to type after that sentence. Apparently, all I'm able to write now are complaints and sad reflections of better days. I won't blame you if you choose not to read my blog anymore.

When I started this blog, we were still travelling and performing at shows with the dogs. Adventures were plentiful, from vehicle breakdowns to encounters with drunks to the new things we trained the dogs. A new view every morning. I loved what I did and I put that into this blog. And even after that part of my life ended, and I traded in the performer life for a "real job," there was still plenty to blog about. Dairy farming provided plenty of inspiration to write, with stories of the silly things cattle get up to and the drama of bad weather. The satisfaction of saving a calf's life, because I knew what I was doing and I was good at it, was one of the best feelings of all.

But then I lost everything. The days became monotonous. I was angry, but more than that I was tired. I still looked at their Instagram account, because I missed my old life, and I hated how happy they seemed. While I was out there homeless and broke because of them, they had everything that I wanted so badly. "Don't be bitter," people said. But I am bitter, and I am angry, and I probably will be for a long time because they destroyed my life. They offered me everything that they knew I wanted and then they took it away. And it had no consequence for them. They knew when they did it that we couldn't fight it, that they were untouchable. They were too clever.  And so instead they got everything, and I have nothing. How do I move on from something like that? How do I let that go?

Because their betrayal started the chain reaction that led to us returning to New Zealand. I thought I'd lost everything when we left the farm, but of course, I still had more to lose. And life is determined to take it all. 

I never really talked about how hard it was to give up Logan. I tried not to think too much at the time. There were plenty of other things going on to distract me. Always keep moving. But now that life is quiet and boring again, I think of him almost every day and it still hurts. I worked so hard to get him trained to the level he was. He was going to be mine forever and I had so many big dreams for our future.

Being without an assistance dog is hard. I spent seven years with a dog at my side wherever I went. First with Sparkie, and then with Skuggi. They gave me freedom beyond what I'd thought possible. But now I almost wish I'd never trained Sparkie to be one all those years ago, because then I'd never know what real independence felt like, or the confidence I'm capable of feeling.

I miss my Australian friends. People are nice here, and I have a few kiwi Facebook "friends," but it's not the same. I don't really know anyone in this country. I miss my friends who've had my back for years, who I only got to see a few times because they lived so far away but we still talk regularly, the ones who I feel I can tell almost anything to and they will understand.

I know it will take time to build a life here, but it's like starting back at the beginning. I don't know if I have the strength to build it all again. I wasted so many years of my life putting things together, designing my happy ending only to have it all ripped away by one person's selfish act. He did this to me and I can't even talk about it openly because legally he did nothing wrong. And that is the worst part of all this - that he gets away with what he's done. Because apparently being a bad person has no consequences in this life and it gets you everything you want, but if you're a good one? Prepare to lose everything you love.