On this morning two years ago, my mum walked into my bedroom and gave me the news that my dad had been fired from his job, and we had two weeks to find somewhere else to live.
We'd been working at How Now Dairy for nearly one year, and doing our absolute best. I gave everything to this place. Late nights, hard work, in some horrid weather, and in what was quite frankly an awful work environment at times. Though technically only my dad was employed there, we all pitched in on the farm - we were expected to, and the boss gave us our own responsibilities (unpaid, of course), so when my dad got fired, in effect we all were. And to make it all so much worse, the house we were living in was part of the job as well. So not only were we left jobless, but we were also homeless. Working there was a challenge for many reasons, and I'm not supposed to go into details about those reasons, but despite how hard it was, I'm still so gutted by how it ended.
To be promised everything, and end up with nothing. We scrambled to find somewhere to go, but two weeks is hardly enough time to come to terms with bad news, let alone figure out what to do about it and make something happen. There was not enough time. My dad frantically applied for jobs and my mum was in contact with someone who had a rental house nearby but in the end, nobody would help us. And so after fourteen days, one year to the exact day that we drove up this driveway to begin the job, we drove out again, with nowhere to go but to camp on our empty property two hours away. All nine of us and five dogs and five rats and a cat and our three cattle, one of whom was heavily pregnant.
It was not supposed to end up this way. Our cow's beautiful calf was stillborn about three weeks after we left How Now. We were living in tents all through the winter. We sat on that land for a full year, getting turned down for jobs and denied houses. What was the worst was getting led on - people pretending they wanted to help and then snatching it all away, acting like it was our own fault and we were "choosing" to be homeless. As if we had any say in what was done to us.
And then, at the end of it, after a year, we gave up. We couldn't keep going like that, struggling day to day and begging for help that we now realized would never come. So we sold everything. Everything but our dogs and the cat, and moved back to New Zealand with the tiniest hope that we could find something better. Thirteen years in Australia and this is how it ended. Betrayed and abandoned and being forced to leave my whole life behind. It was heartbreaking.
I think about what I had to leave behind almost every day. My pet steer Logan, who I rescued from a dairy farm as an unwanted five-day-old calf, and had hoped to spend so much more time with him. I taught him to accept a rider and I had so many plans of what we could do next. I'll do none of it now. There was my pet rat Pixie and her sisters, all playful and adorable, each with their own little quirks and habits. I had friends, I had a life, and it's all gone now. It took me 13 years to build all that for myself, only to have it taken away in an instant by people's selfishness. It will take a long, long time to build anything like it again, and it's hard to find the strength to even try, knowing how fragile it all is.
We came back here to find something better, and I suppose, in some ways, we have. We live in a house again. My dad got a job. With all community COVID eradicated over here, I can safely go to dog club and I can compete in agility. But in other ways, it still sucks. Our landlord won't let us have pet rats. I still haven't been able to get myself a job, and that means I can't afford to raise another calf. These were the things that were keeping me focused on the future as I said goodbye to everything I loved back there.
I am grateful, but at the same time, I am grieving.
Just some rambling, because I wanted to post more this year but there's been nothing really interesting happening. April 25 marks two years since we got fired from How Now and so began the downward spiral. But anyway. That's a post for another day.
The weather was very dry last month, and the lawn-mowing I was doing for the landlord hasn't been necessary very often. We got 10mm total at the beginning of this month, but that wasn't enough to get the grass really growing again. The weather has been comfortable for the most part, with steady sunny days around 20 degrees, aside from the day and a half of 60-90kmh wind we had last week. Thankfully, while there were plenty of reports of damage in town, it did no real damage to our property, just some small branches fell on the driveway, our trampoline shifted a little bit, and our tomatoes and our cape gooseberry plants were knocked over. They seem to have survived though. There were also a lot of leaves to sweep up - a side-effect of a windstorm in the autumn.
We competed at our club's agility trial last month, and Skuggi won 4th place with his clear round in the Novice class, finally getting the hang of weaves and contacts so that was exciting. Now we have no more competitions planned until June, when my mum and I will hopefully be heading back up to Christchurch for a weekend.
Dog agility school is still fun and we've been getting the hang of some new things. It's been just the right amount of challenging for us. And most importantly, Skuggi loves going there. He gets so excited. He's so eager to get out of the car and he practically drags me over to the field, tail wagging while he carries his toy, so keen to get started. It's such a far cry from how nervous he was the last time we attempted a dog school, back when he was about a year old, and he always only ever wanted to go back to the car.
We also went on a road trip to see the Moeraki boulders a few weeks ago. It's been about four years since we last stepped foot on a beach at all, and although it was rather gloomy by the time we arrived at the boulders, we all had a fun time. We even got to see a bunch of wild seals playing and sleeping on another section of the beach, where dogs were prohibited.
Welcome to autumn. It's been six months today since we moved into this house. That time has gone by so fast.
The garden here is huge and tending to it is a constant job. It was an overgrown mess when we arrived. We've put in more flowers around the house and built a decent vegetable garden below the driveway. But there are still parts we have hardly touched. We harvested our potatoes and ended up with a huge box full of them. We have delicious sugar snap peas, cape gooseberries, silverbeet, a tiny blueberry plant, cucumbers, strawberries, carrots, some grapes, and some wild blackberries taking over the abandoned pool surround. And probably more things I'm forgetting. Soon we'll be planting things for the winter. And we built an enclosed shed for our chooks in case the winter is as bad as predicted.
We did go up to Christchurch last month as planned. It was the longest drive I've done (nearly three times as much driving as I've ever done in one day before and full of new experiences as I got closer to the city) but totally worth it because Skuggi managed to get two clear rounds, winning third place both times. For a dog who couldn't manage more than one clear round a year when we were in Australia, to get two in one weekend was really exciting. Especially since that now makes it three consecutive competitions he's gotten clear rounds at - all of his NZ championship trials. I'm already planning another road trip for another weekend of agility, which hopefully will happen. If people could just have a bit of common sense we wouldn't keep going into lockdowns.
We went to the dog training club in Timaru last week to practice agility and had a great time. When Skuggi was a baby, we were part of an obedience club in Australia just to help Skuggi's socialization and learning how to focus on me with other dogs around. It went well and we enjoyed it, up until we graduated up to the next class, which had a couple of aggressive dogs in it that were trying to fight each other every week. It became too stressful for Skuggi, so we didn't go back after the summer break. At the club last week there were only three other dogs in our class but already a little scuffle happened between two of them while we were having our turn on the equipment. But Skuggi handled it well, coming back to focus on me quickly and play with his toy without getting too worried. So anyway, all going well, we'll be going there most weeks to train. With so little room at home for equipment, we really need this opportunity!
Besides that, not much has been happening. I applied for a job and I didn't get it. We took care of our neighbours' pet calves for a while after they moved away, just until they were able to move the calves to their new place. Which has been done now. I miss them already. We also got to work with the landlord's young cattle a little bit last week too. It made me remember how much I enjoy working with cattle. And especially how much I miss my Logan.
January went by too quickly, and I did not achieve anything of note. Well, I managed to get a glowing reference for my work at How Now to send out with my resume, so that was good, and surprising. Not that I've found any jobs to apply for. (yet, I'm supposed to add.)
But anyway. The weather swung to both extremes last month, with the 19th only managing to reach 12 degrees, and we had the fire going again. On the 26th we finally had our first day over 30 degrees this summer, when it peaked at 34 and we went for a swim in the lake (where Skuggi, for the first time in his life, was brave enough to attempt some proper swimming. Attempt being the operative word there, it was the messiest swimming style I've ever seen from a dog with an appropriate leg to body ratio). We had some decent rain earlier in the month, and a few lighter sprinkles later, including some pea-sized hail and a thunderstorm. The total rainfall was 67mm.
We got the shed fully stacked once again with firewood for the winter. There's a prediction for it to be an extremely cold winter this year, with intense frosts and sea-level snow, so it's good to have that ready to go. It's already been a much cooler summer than what we're used to. But I love snow, and our house is warm, so I'm keen to get more than just a day and half of it. We have a few more projects that need to get done before the winter, especially if it's as bad as they say, but there's something very satisfying about preparing for a harsh winter. It's been a few years since we've had to do so. At How Now in Shepparton, the winter wasn't bad enough to warrant any preparation (instead there was preparing for the summer and weeks of 40 degrees or more). And then on our block of land, there was nothing we could do even though the winters did suck. But enough of that train of thought.
I've been doing some agility training with Skuggi, getting his fitness up to start competing again. Doing the best I can with limited equipment and space. Hopefully this month I can get to the agility classes once a week and make use of their stuff. But he's running pretty well, I think, so we'll see how he goes when we next compete. The plan is to go up to Christchurch to do so next week (but don't hold me to that, we all know how plans like to fall apart and I've already had to miss one planned trial last week), staying in a cozy cabin and running some lovely jumping courses with judges I like especially. Some judges just make courses better suited to Skuggi than others - more of the soft turns and tunnel sends to allow me to get ahead, less straight lines and awkward distances between jumps that make him struggle with keeping the bars up. We've only done a handful of trials here but I'm slowly getting a feel for which NZ judges are my favourites, though for the most part the courses here have been better than Aussie courses anyway - no offense meant to the Australians. And I still love the more relaxed rules about rewarding your dog after the run. I've mentioned that before.
Here's a couple of videos. One of the dogs training agility, and one of what else we got up to in January.
ClickHEREif the agility training video isn't visible.
Click HERE if the "month in the life" video isn't visible.
Deleted the first half of this post that talked about the past and how crappy life has treated me, and all the things I loved and lost in 2020.
Because I want to end this year with some good thoughts.
Skuggi gained two clear rounds this year, in the two championship agility trials we got to, which doubled the number of clear round certificates he had from 2018 and 2019. Combined. So perhaps 2021 will be the year we finally get to move into the next class. It does feel like we're getting it together more often now. Our next competition is the last weekend of January and I can't wait to be back out in the ring.
We brought six chooks in mid-November, ex-egg farm hens, saved from certain death because apparently, the farmer kills his chooks after one season, replacing them with the next generation of chooks. But anyway, our chooks are doing well. We're getting 4 or 5 eggs a day, which is pretty good. The fact they aren't all laying consistently is the reason why they were going to be culled. That, and the way some of their eggs weren't quite perfect, because a lot of their calcium is going into feather growing because they were finishing up a spring molt. They are getting better though. And they are very friendly. We let them out in the morning to free-range for the day and then put them away at night around 8pm. Which is still broad daylight, by the way, but they're ready to go to bed and run eagerly back into the coop when we go up there. We're getting more than 15 hours of daylight at the moment. But, my dad has to be up at 3am, or near enough, for work most mornings, so there's no time to appreciate the longer days. It's more of an annoyance than anything, trying to go to sleep when it's still so bright outside.
The weather has been far cooler lately than what we're used to. It reaches 25 and the locals start complaining about how hot it is. But having experienced weeks of 35+ back in Australia, this has been a lovely cool summer so far. This time last year it was regularly reaching more than 40 degrees. And we were living in a bus in the middle of nowhere, jobless, homeless, flat broke and majorly depressed. I'm still depressed, but a little less often than before. I'm not homeless. And I'm not quite jobless anymore either or broke, because I'm mowing lawns for the landlady and I still have money left over from selling so much of my life back in Australia. I still really miss working with cows though. Getting back into dairying has proven to be far more difficult than I'd hoped, and I don't have any experience in any other field so I don't know what else to do. If only a certain person in the past hadn't turned out to be such a scumbag. (If you know, you know. Otherwise, just look through some of my older posts.)
I keep tentatively making plans for 2021. More agility. Road trips. Finally getting off my learner driving license. But perhaps I'll achieve nothing but just surviving to the end of another year. And that would have to be good enough.
So much has happened in the short space of time between selling our land and now. And suddenly we're back in New Zealand and it somehow feels both like not-quite-coming-home and completely foreign. I think too much about what I've lost.
But small things like turning on the tap and having instant hot water. Hot showers. Heating. Constant electricity. Mountain views. A flushing toilet. Carpet on the floor. I have been taking these things for granted again and forgetting where we came from.
No more late nights around the campfire, eking out the last bit of warmth from the smoldering embers before rushing through the nightly chores, hoping to get it all done and then into bed before you lose feeling in your fingers and toes. Hearing the wind roar in the trees and then moments later, the tent threatening to collapse under the strength of it. Rain coming down sideways, the wind pushing it through the tent seams. And after that, heat and dust and smoke and never being fully clean. Midnight and still 35*C, all the windows closed tight to keep out the smoke and the fans only blowing scorching air around. The niggling fear in the back of your mind because you know how fast fire moves and you would have to leave things behind. We prepared as much as we could but it would never have been enough.
It sounds traumatic when I type it out, but it wasn't. The hardest part was the end of it. (And there I go again, back into those dark thoughts because I have lost so much and I can never get it back.)
We got a cozy house. My dad has a farm job. Things are... I won't say good. But, they aren't terrible. I should be grateful I still have some happiness left. Of better times, happy memories that I shouldn't allow to become tainted with grief. We had a good run back there. And now in the present day, Sparkie bouncing gleefully through the snow. She's never seen snow before and she loves it. I am surprised. And hares and lambs and beautiful birdsong, and we've landed in the one place in New Zealand that has a wallaby problem so it's a taste of the old days, although we have only seen one on the property so far.
We've been in this house for two weeks now. Unpacking my box and suitcase is a slow process. I have a handful of things out now - my dogs' trick title certificates, a drawing of Sparkie from a friend, my little Wolverine figurine. I don't know when I'll feel settled, when I'll feel safe. How many times now have I allowed myself to feel that way only to have it all taken off me again?
Writing continues to be an outlet, both here and in my fanfictions, a way to process my feelings and sort my thoughts into a coherent order. I'll never stop being open about my struggles. And I shouldn't feel like I have to. Depression is a real thing and a nasty thing, and something people shouldn't be ashamed of. Although, for the sake of my few loyal blog readers, I should make some attempt not to go too dark in my posts. (eg, my last post. oops)
Warning for dramatic emotional post ahead. I apologize in advance.
I never know what to write anymore. Case in point that for quite some time, I completely blanked on what to type after that sentence. Apparently, all I'm able to write now are complaints and sad reflections of better days. I won't blame you if you choose not to read my blog anymore.
When I started this blog, we were still travelling and performing at shows with the dogs. Adventures were plentiful, from vehicle breakdowns to encounters with drunks to the new things we trained the dogs. A new view every morning. I loved what I did and I put that into this blog. And even after that part of my life ended, and I traded in the performer life for a "real job," there was still plenty to blog about. Dairy farming provided plenty of inspiration to write, with stories of the silly things cattle get up to and the drama of bad weather. The satisfaction of saving a calf's life, because I knew what I was doing and I was good at it, was one of the best feelings of all.
But then I lost everything. The days became monotonous. I was angry, but more than that I was tired. I still looked at their Instagram account, because I missed my old life, and I hated how happy they seemed. While I was out there homeless and broke because of them, they had everything that I wanted so badly. "Don't be bitter," people said. But I am bitter, and I am angry, and I probably will be for a long time because they destroyed my life. They offered me everything that they knew I wanted and then they took it away. And it had no consequence for them. They knew when they did it that we couldn't fight it, that they were untouchable. They were too clever. And so instead they got everything, and I have nothing. How do I move on from something like that? How do I let that go?
Because their betrayal started the chain reaction that led to us returning to New Zealand. I thought I'd lost everything when we left the farm, but of course, I still had more to lose. And life is determined to take it all.
I never really talked about how hard it was to give up Logan. I tried not to think too much at the time. There were plenty of other things going on to distract me. Always keep moving. But now that life is quiet and boring again, I think of him almost every day and it still hurts. I worked so hard to get him trained to the level he was. He was going to be mine forever and I had so many big dreams for our future.
Being without an assistance dog is hard. I spent seven years with a dog at my side wherever I went. First with Sparkie, and then with Skuggi. They gave me freedom beyond what I'd thought possible. But now I almost wish I'd never trained Sparkie to be one all those years ago, because then I'd never know what real independence felt like, or the confidence I'm capable of feeling.
I miss my Australian friends. People are nice here, and I have a few kiwi Facebook "friends," but it's not the same. I don't really know anyone in this country. I miss my friends who've had my back for years, who I only got to see a few times because they lived so far away but we still talk regularly, the ones who I feel I can tell almost anything to and they will understand.
I know it will take time to build a life here, but it's like starting back at the beginning. I don't know if I have the strength to build it all again. I wasted so many years of my life putting things together, designing my happy ending only to have it all ripped away by one person's selfish act. He did this to me and I can't even talk about it openly because legally he did nothing wrong. And that is the worst part of all this - that he gets away with what he's done. Because apparently being a bad person has no consequences in this life and it gets you everything you want, but if you're a good one? Prepare to lose everything you love.
