Hindsight Is 2020

"Hindsight Is 2020" was always going to be the name of this blogpost. The last post I would make before the far off year of 2020, recapping my adventures of the past years and the choices I've made to end up here. And "here" was going to be a wonderful place. I dreamed of all the things I would have achieved by 2020. Because I would be 23 by then so I'd have my life sorted out. I'd have a successful career, for one thing. I'd probably be living on my own. And of course, I would have my own vehicle - that's the only thing I have ticked off from that list.

But I want to go back over some old memories before I talk too much about the present time, remember some high points over the last ten years.

2010. Sparkie winning Grand Champion at the Novelty Dogs competition at the Gympie Show. The Gympie Show was such a big part of my life for so many years. We competed every year, from 2009 to 2014.

2011. It's hard to think only of the high points for this year. But we did have some. I started "The Superdogs" and we did our first performances at events in May and September.

2012. To my surprise, this year is actually the hardest to think of high points from. We really didn't do much, still reeling from the previous year I guess. I used to think that the best part of this year was breeding one of our dogs, but I've hugely regretted it ever since and I can no longer look back on it with any positive feelings.

2013. This was the year the Superdogs really got going. We performed in QLD, NSW, VIC, and NT. I got newspaper and radio interviews, and I loved every second of our time in the spotlight. Sparkie also started her assistance dog training this year.

2014. Sparkie passed her Public Access Test, making her a certified assistance dog.

2015. We went to our first Supernatural convention and met Jensen Ackles. I worked on a dairy farm and learned heaps about cows. This was the year I discovered that riding cattle was a thing.

2016. Skuggi came into my life. My friends invited me to hang with them a lot, including going to the Melbourne Dog Lover's Show. Sparkie also passed her second Public Access Test. And I brought Logan this year as well.

2017. We went to another Supernatural convention and Louden Swain concert, met Jared Padalecki for the first time, and Jensen Ackles again. I got to go to an aquarium in Melbourne with Sparkie.

2018. Sparkie went on her first airplane flight, to Sydney, where we went to a huge Doterra convention. We also did another Supernatural convention, this time meeting Misha Collins. I started breaking Logan in to ride. Skuggi started competing in agility.

2019. As Sparkie officially retired from her role as my assistance dog this year, it was Skuggi who got to come with me to Melbourne for a Doterra convention this time. We went to an agility workshop where we got to train under the winner of the 2018 World Agility Championship. Skuggi also won his jumping class at the State Agility Trial.

As 2020 got closer, my plans changed from travelling as The Superdogs to running an ethical dairy farm. For some time, I really thought How Now Dairy was my way in. They even suggested that I could take over How Now in the future if I wanted to. And I really wanted that. I allowed myself to get excited about my future again. But then very suddenly, we were fired and kicked out. I felt betrayed. And I can't imagine my future anymore. It feels a whole lot like I don't have one.

It seems like every year attempts to do worse things to me than the year before. And 2019 has had a good go at it. Starting out with having to get one of our kittens euthanized, then being forced to cancel so many of Skuggi's agility trials because our boss couldn't handle us leaving the property for a day (even on our days off), losing our house and job, Goldie losing her baby, and then being homeless with no job for the rest of the year. That's nearly eight months of homelessness and we have tried so hard to fix this. But nobody will give us a chance. I tried to get a job for myself. But there's nothing in this area that I could do. And I really mean nothing. Even a job selling and sorting clothes at the local Salvation Army store required previous experience in customer service or sales. All those years working with cattle and prior to that running the Superdogs is meaningless out here.

I planned for the past almost two years to go to the agility nationals in May 2020. It's in Western Australia. But unless something drastically changes before entries close in three months, I won't be able to afford the trip.

It's almost 2020, and I feel stuck. Time is going by without me. This year has taken the remainder of my plans and crushed them into the dust. How do you move forward from that, when there's nothing to move to?

171 Days

On the morning of April 25, my mum walked into my bedroom and told me we'd been fired. Two weeks later we left the farm with no house or job to go to. We'd tried our best to find something but nobody would take us on. We almost got a rental house nearby, but the person who owned it never called us back. We didn't get their number so it was on them to contact us. They still haven't.

That set the tone for the next six months. Again and again, we nearly got a house and a farm job but at the last second, it always fell through. Both strangers and people I thought were friends have had what we need, but they all turned us away or stopped responding to our messages and calls. Depression set in early on and every day it seems harder to fight it. It's been 171 days. I counted.

We lived in tents through the winter. It was so cold. The zips broke. The tents went moldy. We eventually got enough money together to buy a bus, in a surprising stroke of good luck. Now we are still sleeping on camp stretchers and air beds but at least the walls are solid. But of course, now all that money is gone.

I am tired of struggling. I'm tired of worrying about how we'll afford food every week. And then there are extra bills, on top of regular bills. Last week Skuggi got a grass seed in his ear. On a Sunday. He had to be taken to the vet to have it removed. More expenses on an already tight budget. It never ends.

We're heading into summer. We just found out yesterday, on our hottest day since April, that our generator won't run our air-conditioner after all. We have a break from the heat for a little while, thankfully, but it'll be back by next Thursday and stronger this time. 

I have tried to find a job myself but there is nothing suitable in this area. Nothing I could even think of applying for. It feels so isolated out here.

It's been six months. I feel like people have moved on with their lives. I feel like we've been forgotten out here. It also seems a lot like some people think it's our own fault, that we've brought this situation on ourselves, that we're choosing to be homeless. But the truth is we are only in this situation because our boss fired us and kicked us out of his house. And nobody else will give us a chance.

Every time I post yet another rant/whinge post I tell myself that next time I will have something good to post about. But every time it's just more of the same because nothing is changing. We're still here. It still sucks and if anything, it's only getting worse. For some reason, it's proving impossible to get another job or a house. All the people who have nothing to offer say they wish they could help us, while those who have what we need don't seem to care about us.

It's been 171 days. Apparently, this is just how my life is now. 

Back At The Start

Last month, I wrote that I hoped to have good news to share in my next post, and I am so happy to say this is actually going to happen.

At the state agility trial on September 7, we won one of our Novice Jumping classes with an amazing clear round. Skuggi was the fastest dog by a full four seconds. After fifteen months straight of getting faults in every run, I couldn't believe we'd gone clear this time and I assumed he must have knocked a bar somewhere because he always does. But not this time! What a high point it was to walk up the front at the prizegiving and collect our trophy, a bag of expensive dog food, and a clear round certificate. Now we only need three more clear rounds to get to the next level. 

We were suddenly able to afford to buy ourselves a new bus, in a very unexpected turn of events. So on Tuesday the 10th, we went to look at a bus that was about an hour away from our camp. The following day, we brought it home. I'm still somewhat in disbelief that there's going to be four solid walls around us, and it's not a moment too soon as the main doors on both our canvas tents are failing, after four months in constant use. It's going to be a fun project to transform it from a retired school bus to a home than can house nine people, five dogs, and a cat.

But our run of good luck didn't last, of course. Yesterday we took our van in to be checked over before getting it registered again and it did not pass the test. And of course, we are still homeless. A few weeks ago, we were in contact with someone who had a job available and they said they'd get back to us on the weekend. Well, that was two weeks ago and there's been absolutely no contact from that person at all. Honestly getting fed up with people like that and there are so many of them. So four months on, we're still stuck here and our brief respite from being broke won't last.

Only Good Things

It's hard to find things to write about these days. I feel like I'm just going through the same routines, day in, day out. And so there's nothing really interesting to blog about. I've written so many posts this month and I just keep deleting them because they don't seem right. I don't want to just complain about my life every time, but it's often difficult to think of only good things. But I'm going to try to do so anyway, if only for the time it takes me to put this blog post together.

-

We went to an agility trial last week, and Skuggi did really good work in challenging conditions. He kept his head during 60kmh wind, pouring rain, airplanes taking off over our heads the whole day. We got 2/2 placings, a second place and a third place, which is about our best result so far. Coming up next week is the state agility trial, and if we can come home from that with better results than last year's DQ and third I'll be happy. We're also attempting the agility class as well this year, as well as jumping, after spending a few months working on weaves and contacts. I don't anticipate much success in that yet but it will be fun anyway.

-

Logan's training is also going well. I rode him again today, for the first time in the paddock without his lead on. He didn't try to take off on me. In fact, we had the opposite problem, in which I had trouble getting him to go forwards at all. He's such a good boy though. It's been slow going with his training over the past year, between working on the farm and the terribly hot summer, but I think the extensive break he had between his first brief rides in the round yard last spring and our longer paddock excursions this winter did him good, allowing him time to mature both physically and mentally. Although he still behaves like a calf a lot of the time, he's far more willing to do what I say and accept a rider without a fuss than he was last year.

-

The weather has also improved a lot in the past few weeks. Sunny days with little to no wind and temperatures around 14 degrees celsius, although the nights are still quite cold. It's much easier to be positive when the sun is out. Unfortunately, our run of warmer days is coming to an end, with tomorrow set to be only 11 degrees with rain. Thankfully though this cold snap is only meant to be brief and it will be warming up again by the weekend.

-

So that's the good parts of life right now. Hopefully in the next few weeks I'll have some more happy things to blog about. We're still on the job hunt and the house hunt. We've been so close to getting something several times but always at the last minute, we get turned down. But now I'm straying back into complaining territory so I'll leave it at that.

Eleven

It's hard to believe it's been three months today since the morning my mum walked into my bedroom and said we'd been given two weeks notice. That moment somehow feels simultaneously as though it was "just the other day" but also like it was a lifetime ago. In the following days I dreaded ending up homeless and running out of money, but I tried to tell myself it wouldn't come to that. We'd always managed to get a place to live and another job every other time we'd been moved on, why would this time be different? That's the question I am still asking myself. Why is this time different?

And so we enter into week eleven of being without a house and without a job. I feel like people have forgotten that we are still homeless. Our tents are failing under constant use. They aren't designed for this. Life out here has settled into a monotonous drag, with every day bringing the same routines, the same events. It's hard to stay motivated and to stay hopeful. We've applied for so many jobs but nobody is willing to take us on. Most of the time they don't even bother replying at all. And without a job, we won't be getting a house either.

We went to an agility trial again earlier this month, finally. Skuggi was so good, and we got a third and fourth place. For a while, I could forget what my life is really like. A brief moment of happiness. But then we go back "home." To the tents and the cold and the wind.

There are only five months left of the year and we have nothing. We've lost everything we had, except each other. My family and my pets are everything. We are keeping each other going and the animals are often the only bright spots in a day. Running agility courses with Skuggi, or taking him into town for his assistance dog training. Riding Logan. Sparkie's crazy zoomies during her walks. My pet rat Pixie happily climbing onto my shoulder of her own free will. But some days are still so hard. 

Struggle On

I wanted so badly for my next post to be of good news. Some positivity. I wanted to be able to tell you all that things had changed for the better, that life was looking better. But unfortunately, things have gone from bad to worse. 

On June 13, Goldie went into labour. We watched her closely all day and then into the night until at 2am, we had to assist her in birthing a stillborn calf. The most beautiful gold and white heifer calf, exactly what we had hoped for, but she was dead. There is no explanation for why - only "these things happen sometimes." We are having to hand milk Goldie once a day. She has been a good girl. But we never intended for things to happen like this. We weren't supposed to be in a situation like this.

We're now coming up on eight weeks of homelessness. Earlier this month we were so close to getting into a rental house but at the last minute, it fell through. A devastating blow to morale after allowing ourselves to feel excited and hopeful. As of right now, we are facing the possibility of further months living in tents with no income.

Tents are not designed for long-term use and ours are starting to struggle. Broken zipper on the door. Leaks in the roof. There is no heating, of course, so whatever temperature it is outside, so it is inside the tents. One night this week, we had such a cold night that Skuggi's water bowl, which is in my tent "bedroom," had a layer of ice on the top by 9am. 

And then there's the fact we have no income and have used up all our savings. It's become a struggle just to keep food on the table. People have suggested we sell our pet cattle. Our two steers, Spartan and Logan, and our recently calved cow Goldie. I know if we sold the boys, they would end up on someone's plate. How would you feel saying goodbye to your beloved pet, who you'd raised from a baby, knowing that you are condemning them to a horrible death? That their next owner will only see them as food and so treat them accordingly? That's the trouble with having a "food animal" as a pet. Most people would not understand.

So we struggle on. I don't know what we will do next. There's a lot of talk. Lots of ideas. Nothing solid. But something has to change soon because we are barely surviving out here.

From The Beginning

It's been a month and two days since I woke up to the horrible but not unexpected news that we'd been fired. Two weeks was not enough time to even come to terms with this, let alone organize what to do next, although we did try. But nobody has been willing to help us get out of this situation.

So, we are back on our empty block. I didn't think we'd ever be living like this again. I spent ten nights sleeping in the back of my car before upgrading to a canvas tent. And still, despite our best efforts to find somewhere else to live, there's no end in sight. It's approaching winter and it feels like it. The temperatures are struggling to reach double digits. I'm sleeping with five blankets on my bed. Our pet heifer, Goldie, is due to calve on June 14. When we bred her, we had no idea this would be our current situation. But we will do the best we can.

It's hard knowing that we have to start over, again. It feels like we lost everything, like we're starting from the beginning again. Six years ago, we were living in a tent and finances were stretched thin. And that's where we are now too. I feel so betrayed because we were led to believe this farm was the perfect place for us and that we'd be living and working there "forever." I wanted so badly for that to be true. But people can't be trusted.

We have worked so hard this past year and in the end, we have nothing to show for it. 

A Step Backward

This morning, we got fired. We got fired for several reasons, and they were all things that aren't even true or are so stupid I can't believe it was listed as a reason. There are literally no valid reasons behind it. But it's been building for a while. The signs were all there. It's not a surprise. It's not unexpected. But it's so disappointing.

Although the accusations were directed at my dad, and technically he is the one losing his job, words like that trickle down and affect us all. Besides the fact the job and house were a package deal, meaning that we now all have to move out. We all worked on this farm as a team and so we take the criticism and rejection as a team. This is a harsh blow.

This farm was supposed to be "it." You know, the place where we could stay forever and build our future. We were supposed to be challenging the old fashioned ideas about cows and pushing to change the way things are done in the dairy industry, showing that there is an ethical, humane way to farm dairy, sharing milk with the calves it's meant for. It seemed so perfect and I was so excited and grateful for this opportunity to be working on what was basically my dream farm. But it didn't turn out that way. It's so hard looking at the cows and their babies today and knowing that in just two weeks, we'll be saying goodbye forever. Over the past year, we've put in so much time here, so much love and care into these beautiful animals, and the level of trust they have in us now is amazing. That we're being forced to let that go is heartbreaking.

I suppose we'll go back to a conventional farm now, and pretend it doesn't tear me apart to send newborn calves on the truck to the slaughterhouse. Pretend I am okay with everything that goes on behind the scenes on a dairy farm. The last farm I worked on before moving here was such a nightmare, cruelty so prevalent every single day and there was nothing I could do. The thought of returning to a situation like that is just horrible. But we are dairy farmers. And we need a job and a property big enough for our three pet calves. We need a house and someone who will accept five dogs in it. What else can we do?

It feels like a step backward. It feels like a betrayal. It feels like we're losing everything.

What If

It's been a while coming, but this morning we officially said goodbye to our days of living on the road, as our house bus went to its new home. It's been nearly a full year since we last drove it anywhere, so it was time to let it go. 

Thinking back to those travelling times is very much a mixed bag of feelings. The freedom of not having a job. But at the same time, the stress of not having a job because no job meant very little money. I've written so many long posts about life on the road before so there's no need to dive back into that. Those years we spent drifting across the country really did shape who we are now. But looking into the future, I can't see us ever returning to that lifestyle. 

**

I wonder if people get bored reading my blog these days. I started this blog back in 2012, as a sort of travel diary to keep everyone updated on our adventures. Lately posts have been few and far between, and my focus has shifted since the days of travel.

**

We had our first agility trial of the year on March 23. Although we didn't get any clear rounds, we did get two beautiful runs that were very close to clear, and one bad run (my bad handling was the cause of that though) and I came away feeling very positive for this trialing season. We are definitely working better as a team. Skuggi's focus and confidence were much improved. Unfortunately we have had to pull out of the two trials I had planned since, due to work commitments on the farm. Nobody else can be trusted with the cows, apparently. I am hoping to get to another trial next weekend. It's only a half-day trial, so instead of leaving home at 4am, we can leave at 8am.

**

But it's a good thing we did not get to compete today as originally planned, because we had a cow give birth breech this afternoon, requiring a team effort to save the calf. If we hadn't been on duty today, I really think it would not have been noticed in time. But thankfully we were here and the calf is doing well. She is a very big and very beautiful girl!

**

Sadly we don't always "win" with calving problems. Recently, my favourite cow Rose gave birth to twins, both requiring assistance to be born. The first one was in the right position, but the placenta came out ahead of her. And the second one was breech. Thankfully we were able to save both these little girls, but poor Rose became very ill shortly afterwards. We did the best we could, but tragically Rose passed away four days after the birth. It was heartbreaking and it is so hard not to dwell on the "what if"s and "if only"s. I am thankful for the resilience of Rose's beautiful babies, Ruby and Gemma, who are now over a week old and thriving in our care.

How The Story Unfolds

I remember very clearly the night we left our house in February of 2008, eight of us crammed in a Falcon wagon with just what stuff we could fit in. The rest of our belongings were in a storage shed. We had no destination and nowhere to sleep for the night. We drove into the closest town and found a 24 hour motel to stay in for a few nights, until we were able to get a wind-up Jayco caravan and begin our road trip. For eleven year old me, it was the greatest adventure. We went north and hit summer floods, stayed in an expensive caravan park and ate pancakes for breakfast and went swimming in the pool every day. Eventually we discovered "free camping" and then we went west and found freedom, open spaces, and a million stars. After a time we went south again and swam in creeks and played in the dirt and drove up into the mountains where the air was sharp and clean. It was around that time I got Sparkie for my twelfth birthday and I always think that if we hadn't made the choices we did, my perfect girl wouldn't have come into my life. And I needed her so badly. We brought a bus after a year of travelling, and my dad had some short-term jobs here and there but we couldn't seem to stay in one place long. So we kept going. Up and down, and around and around. We had some of our best times on the road. But as I grew older, times grew tougher. And so we started dairy farming again.

Everyone we met, everywhere we went, everything we experienced has led us to this moment. To this place. To who we are now. I wonder how different our life would be if we hadn't spent those years on the road. Everything that happened to us in the last eleven years has made us so much closer as a family and it makes absolute sense to me that after spending so much time living in such close quarters, we would end up working best as a whole team. A unit. We are so used to being together now that it just feels natural to all pitch in on the farm. 

Some days I feel like this is it, the end of the journey. The final result of all the struggles we've gone through. I can't tell if it's the truth or not. Some days it feels like it's just another stop along the way.  

Whatever this point is, I won't know until later. But I still feel the lure of the open road. The love of a long road trip is something that has never gone away despite our lifestyle changing, although it's always so nice to come back home to the farm afterward. How incredible would it be if next year, Skuggi and I went all the way over to Western Australia to compete in the national agility trial? The next twelve months will be the deciding factor. We need to get Skuggi consistently running clear in trials, get into a higher level, before I attempt such a big venture. I am so excited to start the 2019 trial season, beginning in just eight weeks.

But life is what happens to us while we are making other plans. Living in the moment is hard sometimes when it's not being good to me and the future I see in my mind looks so tempting. But that distant future may never become my reality, while this moment, right now, this is real. A quiet day, listening to music and catching up on social media, with Skuggi asleep in his crate of his own volition and Sparkie snoozing under the desk as always. Whatever tomorrow brings I know I won't be facing it alone.

Not Just Surviving

I've tried to write a new post several times this month but it's been hard. Too hard to put into words what's been going on, without implicating those involved. We're on the edge of another change, and I'm so sick of being taken for granted, taken advantage of. We trust and we love and we want so badly to believe what we're told, believe we've made it, but the world is against us. "You're safe here." They're just words. And words are meaningless these days.

But it's time to think of the good. There is always some good in life, although it can be hard to find. The evening sky on fire. A cool day after weeks of excessive heat. A once-terrified cow accepting human contact for the first time and returning your affection with a lick.

Skuggi went to an agility seminar with me earlier this month. We were one of the lucky few selected to train with the winner of the 2018 Agility World Championship, and we had a great time. He was so fun and patient and his instructions easy to follow.

One of my favourite cows had surprise twins. Unfortunately, the first one was stillborn, and I assumed the next one would be as well after it took a solid six hours for it to be born due to wrong positioning. But she was still alive, and with some TLC she got stronger, and nearly two weeks later she has grown heaps and full of energy. 

I brought my first car just before Christmas. Although my driver's license expired a while ago and I haven't had time to get it renewed yet, I am so happy I now own a car and it's beautiful. 

The future is so uncertain but sadly that's nothing unusual. It feels like no matter what choices we make, where we go, we always end up here. But, we keep fighting. Always keep fighting. Just carrying on, like we always do, until we get out of the darkness. Until we can start believing the words we're hearing. Until we feel like we're living and not just surviving. Because this, right now? This isn't living.